Sure, I have all the head knowledge needed to push through a rough patch or find things to be thankful for. But when it comes down to the nitty gritty, emotions that are borderline depressing and a state of mental isolation are a terrible combination. So head knowledge is sometimes useless in crisis. Why? Because the head isn't working correctly! I was unbalanced and my mind was a wreck. There was no thinking straight! I had to find that place in my heart that was ready to surrender. And this came through tears.
WJ witnessed my meltdown. It came late Wednesday night. Now, WJ is my husband. He is strength and calm and all things moderate. However, I tend to put him in a savior category. To think this is unfulfilling for me and unfair to him. I realized these last few days that he is not the one who can totally free me and make it all better. Sure he is amazing and can totally comfort my crazy, but he is not my all in all. He's my partner. And I am forever grateful for this. But I had to get away by myself a few hours yesterday and figure a few things out.
I had to begin this healing process from within. Well first I had to exhale and begin normal breathing again. I asked the Holy Spirit to help me find balance in Christ. I beckoned for Him to balance my mind and steady my heart. This is going to take a while. Day by day. Balance is priceless. It is the life blood of a functional household and a crazy mama!
So after a beautiful day out, I found myself with the ability to think about the positive aspects of our lives; to look back and see where we have been with more clarity and appreciation. I was no longer allowing bitterness the opportunity to take root, like it had tried to do so many times the last few months. Correction, years. The raw reality of a negative mindset is not having a hopeful focus.
After my time alone and later with a few key people who could speak life into my bones, WJ and I spent most of the weekend together. No work, no other obligations but to be with each other and the children. We have had some of the most valuable, thought provoking conversations. We were able to focus on the path we want to see our family fulfill. We were able to realign our current goals. And we were able to discuss possibility. That is a powerful word. POSSIBILITY.
This is Goose standing on the land we are about to purchase. We close the end of the month. POSSIBILITY!!
I knew last week I could not continue without a break to refresh and re focus. I am so grateful for other family and friends who stepped in and gave me this opportunity to run away and regroup! They will never know how crucial it was to break free a bit.
I am also very relieved that Christ delights in me, weakness and all. And he has given me a wonderful man who's love is unconditional and provision immeasurable. He is a reflection of Gods mercy and grace in my life.
From out of the ashes a beautiful thing was once again planted within my spirit. Hope. My tears began this healing process... the possibility of living these last few weeks of transition in a more calm state of mind. It's never easy with "littles" but BALANCE is key. ( More on that at a later time. )