Last week, I posted an entry with a partial title, "It starts at home." I am feeling a series of posts coming on that will focus on this topic. They may be random. Maybe not. But lately I have resigned myself to only write when I am really motivated. Actually this resignation is across the board of my daily routine. (Pregnancy at an older age could attribute to this as well.) However, I am encouraged by the wisdom I am gaining in the wee hours of morning. So, I hope you glean from the lessons of this insomniac.
Gentleness and Patience. An intentional life. This is my plea.
Sometimes in a season of waiting, we can get so focused on where we are going that the present becomes mundane. I've been in this place for months. This past year, WJ and I knew our season of sojourning was coming to a close. And as our dreams are soon to becoming a functional reality, the waiting creates an impatience that oft times ruins my daily outlook. I long for what is to come. I cry out for that place we are headed, knowing in the physical that balance will come. Better schedule, better community, more opportunity for our family unit. Yet I know in my spirit that I still have lessons to learn right where I am.
This morning. Prime example.
I awoke with the usual thoughts of marriage, motherhood, our household. Knowing I didn't handle all as I should have yesterday, but knowing that I didn't prepare for my day as I should have either. I could have spent more time actually being with my girls, instead of just existing under the same roof. That load of laundry really needed to get done. I should not have allowed the TV to be on as much. So many little things that add up. And yes, I could excuse this because of pregnancy, but somehow that seemed a bit off this morning.
Truth: I am genuinely hard on myself about my time and focus, but somehow this keeps me on my toes. I guess if I didn't care, I wouldn't be concerned with becoming better?!?
So, as I lay there, that still small voice prompted me to pick up my book Desperate by Sarah Mae and Sally Clarkson. (Yes, I've had the book for a long time and no, I did not finish all at once.) The next chapter I was on was entitled "Living on Purpose". Amazing coincidence? I think not.
In the 12th chapter, Sarah Mae talked about not wanting to regret her life. She wrote of how she woke up in the middle of the night in fear that she had not done enough as a mother. Sound familiar? Yeah, I thought so too. She corresponded with Sally Clarkson on how to live more intentionally. Putting her intentions into action. Living on purpose. The chapter was EXACTLY what I needed on this exact day. And here are my thoughts from the wisdom that literally jumped off the pages right into my soul.
My Thoughts - Fulfillment and Balance will not fully come by a mere change in geography. This has to start now. Right where I am. Right here. It has to come with how I prepare, view and live out each day...no matter how simple. No matter how much each day tries to convince me that life is mundane, I have to remember it's up to me to reject that and change the atmosphere.
How can I change this? this theory that geography is going to solve my longing for fulfillment? three things...
1. Nurture more than teach.
2. Care more than command.
3. Be intentional.
Brainstorm - If I would just turn off the TV and fill our home with things that create joy... purpose will come. So, what brings me joy? Candles for the season, music, art projects and a good book. Small ways to bring life into the home. To connect me with my children, to enjoy what is left of this quiet season.
My Prayer - "Lord, help me tune out what makes me passive and replace it with passion for life again so it can overflow in our home."
Life has to happen on purpose. Baby steps.
Today we buy a new book, a new candle and we dance.
UPDATE: baby boy was born on December 10th. I still wake to feelings of missing the mark. However I've applied some of the insights from this post and life has been somewhat calmer... Even in the midst of adjusting to being a mother of three!