Previous posts about our home life seem to be so together and tidy. From daily schedules to what I teach in homeschool, 'life as a Harris' is organized for the most part. But (there is always a but) I am still such a selfish mommy.
This morning I awoke to a quiet house long before daylight. But there was such a heaviness in my heart. I'm a mess. Lately, I have been overwhelmed with the realization that I would rather find cute things on Pinterest than watch Letter Factory for the millionth time. It does prick my heart to know that I find more enjoyment in reading another chapter on motherhood than actually spending time as "playmate mommy" most afternoons. Turns out, I'm not alone (thank you @saramae! Desperate, chapter 7). For months now I've read, and even quoted, wiser women on being the best version of me that I can offer to my girls. "They are our greatest disciples!" yes. It's just taken a while for my heart to catch up... Well today is catch up day.
How can I be for them when I don't want to do anything? When I should be creating palaces and princess adventures in the living room with chairs and blankets, I'd rather not. When did I lose interest in my own children? Now this is sporadic. Some days are wonderful, then bam. Bad, sad day. Focused inward, not upward or outward. Such a mess.
I've still got so much in me that needs denying so their spirits aren't crushed in the mix. But I've asked the Lord to soften my heart and put in me a desire to just sit with them. To breathe. To realize laundry can wait. Dishes can wait. What matters most is for them to see that I am all in. In the moment. with them, watching them. not just taking up space. Today i began trying to make our home their favorite play place. I'm realizing that my crafts, books and computer time have to come second to their desire for me to be at their tea party.
So as the sun peeked from behind a snow filled morning, tears streamed down my face and I surrendered. Again. Knowing I cannot do this alone. The grief, my selfish focus, has to be left at the foot of my cross. I will take it up daily, this sacrifice of self (Luke 9:23). And my daughters will know that Mommies are more than "Pick this up. Flush the potty. Use your INSIDE VOICE! (said in my outside voice)".
Balance is dawning within my heart. Now it's time for it to brighten our home. I'm grateful for the book Desperate by Sarah Mae & Sally Clarkson along with their blogs. These women have helped capture my heart as well as allow a sigh of relief that I am not alone. Every mom faces it. The tired days. The weary moments. It's what we do in those moments that make the difference. I'm determined to show my daughters Jesus...patient, affectionate, selfless Jesus; and me, their Mommy who doesn't have it all together but is present and willing to give them my full attention.
the only good in me is His grace. wild and unconditional. and that is the anchor for this heart tonight. Sweet dreams.